So disappointed

This weekend, I had no kids at all. Terry decided to take both of them, which was so nice of him. And let me explain before I let this all out. I love my kids, I really do. But when I don't have them, I would like to do something different, since I don't have to worry about them or anything.
So, Friday night, I tried to find something to do. I finished my school paper though, which is great. I ended up going to Kroger to get some stuff, then get some Taco Bell. My sister was nice enough to come over and hang out with me. Yea, I enjoyed it, but I wanted to leave the house. Later that night, a friend came over. Do you know how bad it sucks to want someone you cant have? Well, let me tell you.. It sucks badly. Anyhow, mom got home from work and we ended up watching a movie and not doing shit.
Saturday day was fun. Mom and I went and did a bunch of things. I love hanging out with her. She ended up having to go to work, and I was left with trying to find something to do again. There was only one thing I really wanted to do, and that was go on a ghost hunt with my dad. You think it happened? No. He wouldn't even answer my texts, so whatever. I ended up going up to Rafferty's and hang out with mom while she worked. I get home around 10, start watching a movie and end up passing out around 11:45. Exciting? Not so much.
I'm so sick of being here. I'm going to start working on applying for jobs outside of Memphis. If I get a job offer, I'm leaving everyone & everything.

changing myself for the better

Wow... It has been a while since I posted last. Not much has changed. I lost my job the week of Thanksgiving. Apparently the company thought I did something, which I didn't and let me go. Whatever, good luck to them. Thanksgiving and Christmas was ok. It was a bummer n ot having a job. I quit smoking right before Christmas, so yay on that part. I start school Monday. I have orientation tomorrow morning. I'm scared shitless, but I have plenty of support.
Relationship-wise, nothing good has happened. I've met people, and stopped talking to people. People say I don't have time for a relationship, and that's the last thing I should be worried about, but I disagree. I believe it's a very important thing to have. Although I have all this stuff going on, I miss having someone around, even if it is just hanging out. Even if we're just friends, and not worrying about anything else. It's still nice to have around. I know it will happen eventually, but whatever. I'm sick of waiting.
Andy met his dad a few months ago. It has been 6 years since they've seen each other. Andy was excited after we left, but it seemed that he was only excited b/c he had a younger brother to play with. He really didn't say anything about his dad. I've only heard from his dad once since then asking about what Andy said. That's just something I'm not going to bother with. Andy i s obviously just not interested enough in the situation.
Anyways, I don't have anything else to write about; I just wanted to get all that off my chest.

What's the deal?

Is it really that hard to treat people right? I don't understand some people. In my eyes, if you like someone, you do what you can to make them happy, including being honest.
I think I deserve a little bit more than being lied to. Don't lie to me about being single, when you're not. Don't attempt to get me to be some "booty call", b/c it's not happening. I deserve alot more than that. I'm not a bad person, so I refuse to let myself get into another bad situation. What exactly do I deserve? I deserve to be happy. If it's in a relationship, that's even better. Why can't I have guy friends that just want to be friends for now? What's so wrong about that?
I have all these guy "friends" and only a very few people have asked if I needed their help this weekend with the move. So, obviously the others only want to come around when it's convenient for them. Who cares what I want, right? Wrong! I'm putting an end to it all right now. I'm sick of it.
The end
xoxo

Ok, I'm editing this, b/c now that I read it, it seems like I'm doing nothing but whining and complaining, which I'm not. I'm just stating how I feel. Now that I've calmed down a little, let me redo this...
Ever since Terry and I broke up, I have liked & dated guys. Have I been in a real relationship? No. I haven't found one guy that's really worth a shit dating. All guys seem nice at first. And really, there are a few that are still very nice. They may have made some bad decisions (like maybe getting back with an ex or something) but they are still nice. I do wish everyone all the happiness they can get, but I just wish it was my turn. I'm happy right now, but there's nothing like being in a REALLY good relationship, with no bullshit, no lies, nothing bad. Not all guys are bad. There are just those stupid "seeds" that leave that mark.

Oh and btw... If no one believes in karma, trust me on this one, it exists. I have been bit in the ass by karma for about 5 months now. If it's not one thing, it's another. I swear. From now on, I'm changing how I act towards people. I have to learn how to keep my mouth shut at times, and walk away. And that's what I'm going to do.

Ok bye again!
xoxoxo

Things going on.

Monday morning, I woke up bored with my hair. So, I called my sister and told her I wanted a huge cut. I talked to Monica about it @ work and she thought I was going through early mid-life crisis (hehe). Seriously though, she said that it's probably b/c I have no control over anything in my life anymore, but I have control over my hair. And since that's about the only thing I have control over, then I'm going to do something about it. So guess what? I did. I got about 8-9 inches cut off, colored and highlighted. It is the shortest that it has EVER been and I'm in love with it. It's amazing how a dramatic hair change will effect your attitude.

I'm moving in almost a week. I'm going to REALLY miss this house. I hate having to give up something I worked so damn hard for, but I know it's for the best. I think what scares me, is that I'm moving in with my mom again. When I lived with her last, we never got along. We always clashed regarding raising my sons. There's going to be tons of drama, and the thing that sucks about it, is that I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. I think slowly, I'm getting a few friends here and there, but I don't talk to them on a daily basis. Of course, they're all guys. I've always been able to get alone better with guys than girls for some reason. And no, that doesn't mean I want to get with them all. Yes, I would like to be in a relationship. Is now a good time? Honestly, I'm not even sure. I like having someone there for me, but I'm not going to just jump into anything. From now on, I'm going to take my time getting to know someone. If it starts out as just friends, then that's ok with me. I don't mind taking the time to do that, but at the same time, I don't like games. I'm the type of person, that if I like a certain person, that's the only person I like. Yes, I will still talk to my guy friends, but I won't go out with them and all that stuff. I do not lead people on. I'm a very honest person, sometimes painfully honest, and that's what I want from the other person. If you can't keep up, then walk away.

I love my life and what it all includes, don't get me wrong, but I do miss certain things. I was asked to hang out this weekend, but I had to decline unfortunately. This is my last weekend to get things packed and cleaned up. If I didn't have the kids around, I could do alot of stuff during the day, but that still leaves me with them at night. I can't go downtown with kids or anything like that. I'm not saying I regret having kids, but it's nice to have some away time everyone in a while. In a week, I won't even have my bed all to myself. I'm just so exhausted with everything going on, and I'm trying my best to keep up. That leads back to having someone around for me. It would be nice to have someone around to help me out, or just be here. It would probably make things more fun. I don't know.

I'm going to stop rambling and get off here. I have a kid to fight to get to sleep. YAY!

xoxoxo!

Birthdays

I think I'm done with birthdays. Today was my last one. I'm sick of it raining every year. Last night I went out and had a great time. I hung out wit 2 friends (coworkers), my sister, her friends, and my mom for a little bit. Although I had a blast with all of them, it made me wish that I had friends like my sister. They hang out, expect nothing out of each other (they're guys & girls) and basically, they're all just really cool. And then, there was me.. a 27 year old hanging out with 24 +/- year olds. No, it's not that much of an age difference, but still. I felt like a tag along, no matter how nice they were to me.
I really have no friends I hang out with. Yes, I trust my coworkers, and I see them every day, but it's not outside of work. They have no kids, so they go out all the time. I'm more of a home body, and I think that's one of the reasons I don't have friends. I don't know. It just sucks b/c I can't do anything about it. And if that's the reason, so be it. I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't get out much, and when I do, I just don't feel completely "satisfied" with it.
I'm glad alot of people remembered my birthday, and I appreciate it. But there's one person that I would've appreciated a text message, maybe even hung out with for a little bit today. But all I got was a good morning text. I don't even think he remembered. No, we're not in a relationship, but I do like it. No, I'm not getting in a relationship anytime soon, but still. He's a cool person to talk to and hang out with. He has some things going on, which is probably why I didn't get that text, but it still kind of hurt my feelings. I have this wall I put up around me, so I try not to get too close to anyone, and sometimes it hurts no one but myself. Sometimes, I can be so stupid though. It's not that hard to show someone some kind of interest in them, but for me I guess it is.
I guess I just have some issues to work through and maybe one day, I can find someone that will help me out with that.
Anyhow, tomorrow's a new day and maybe it will get better. I'm going to bed.
Nite xoxoxo

Today

Today, I'm giving Terry a chance to visit with Jaydon. I sent him a text on Wednesday to let him know that I'm taking the boys to Mcdonald's to play & eat, and that if he would like to visit, he can come up there. I let him know the time we would get there and which one. Will he remember without me reminding him? We will see.
On another note, I've been hanging out with this guy. We are just friends though, and that's all it will be for a while, atleast until I get everything in my life straightened out. I think it will be totally different to start things out just as friends and then work our way out to more. I've known him since I was 14-15 years old, we've lost touch plenty of times, but something keeps us in touch. He's an awesome person, with a great personality. But we will take things REAL slow. We had a talk last night, and we both see the positives that would come out of it, no negatives.
All my life, I've rushed into relationships with guys, and it never works out. From now on, it will be different, for me & the kids.
Anyhow, I have to get ready to go to McDonald's and see what happens.

Feeling like complete shit.

**Warning**

This blog will more than likely contain tons of cuss words. If you're not ready for it, move on.

**Warning**

Men are so stupid. I'm sorry, but they are, ok... Most are. They want to act all perfect around you, then go behind your back and fuck you over completely. They want their "cake" and "eat" it too. Then, when they get busted, they want to get all pissed off, and get all abusive. I don't give a flying shit if you were in the fucking marines or not. You do NOT put your hands on me b/c YOU did something stupid and got caught. THEN your stupid ass is going to break into MY house? And steal MY shit? That's fucked up. You steal what's pretty much the MOST important materialistic possession to me; my camera and think nothing of it. I don't give a shit about my carpet cleaner, or the change buckets, or the comforter, or the dollar coins I was saving for the kids. I want my fucking camera back. And now I have nothing to record the days with my kids. You fucking piece of shit. Karma is going to bite you in the mother fucking ass b/c of the shit you have pulled in the past 3 days. Trust me, I will make sure of that.