What's the deal?

Is it really that hard to treat people right? I don't understand some people. In my eyes, if you like someone, you do what you can to make them happy, including being honest.
I think I deserve a little bit more than being lied to. Don't lie to me about being single, when you're not. Don't attempt to get me to be some "booty call", b/c it's not happening. I deserve alot more than that. I'm not a bad person, so I refuse to let myself get into another bad situation. What exactly do I deserve? I deserve to be happy. If it's in a relationship, that's even better. Why can't I have guy friends that just want to be friends for now? What's so wrong about that?
I have all these guy "friends" and only a very few people have asked if I needed their help this weekend with the move. So, obviously the others only want to come around when it's convenient for them. Who cares what I want, right? Wrong! I'm putting an end to it all right now. I'm sick of it.
The end
xoxo

Ok, I'm editing this, b/c now that I read it, it seems like I'm doing nothing but whining and complaining, which I'm not. I'm just stating how I feel. Now that I've calmed down a little, let me redo this...
Ever since Terry and I broke up, I have liked & dated guys. Have I been in a real relationship? No. I haven't found one guy that's really worth a shit dating. All guys seem nice at first. And really, there are a few that are still very nice. They may have made some bad decisions (like maybe getting back with an ex or something) but they are still nice. I do wish everyone all the happiness they can get, but I just wish it was my turn. I'm happy right now, but there's nothing like being in a REALLY good relationship, with no bullshit, no lies, nothing bad. Not all guys are bad. There are just those stupid "seeds" that leave that mark.

Oh and btw... If no one believes in karma, trust me on this one, it exists. I have been bit in the ass by karma for about 5 months now. If it's not one thing, it's another. I swear. From now on, I'm changing how I act towards people. I have to learn how to keep my mouth shut at times, and walk away. And that's what I'm going to do.

Ok bye again!
xoxoxo

Things going on.

Monday morning, I woke up bored with my hair. So, I called my sister and told her I wanted a huge cut. I talked to Monica about it @ work and she thought I was going through early mid-life crisis (hehe). Seriously though, she said that it's probably b/c I have no control over anything in my life anymore, but I have control over my hair. And since that's about the only thing I have control over, then I'm going to do something about it. So guess what? I did. I got about 8-9 inches cut off, colored and highlighted. It is the shortest that it has EVER been and I'm in love with it. It's amazing how a dramatic hair change will effect your attitude.

I'm moving in almost a week. I'm going to REALLY miss this house. I hate having to give up something I worked so damn hard for, but I know it's for the best. I think what scares me, is that I'm moving in with my mom again. When I lived with her last, we never got along. We always clashed regarding raising my sons. There's going to be tons of drama, and the thing that sucks about it, is that I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. I think slowly, I'm getting a few friends here and there, but I don't talk to them on a daily basis. Of course, they're all guys. I've always been able to get alone better with guys than girls for some reason. And no, that doesn't mean I want to get with them all. Yes, I would like to be in a relationship. Is now a good time? Honestly, I'm not even sure. I like having someone there for me, but I'm not going to just jump into anything. From now on, I'm going to take my time getting to know someone. If it starts out as just friends, then that's ok with me. I don't mind taking the time to do that, but at the same time, I don't like games. I'm the type of person, that if I like a certain person, that's the only person I like. Yes, I will still talk to my guy friends, but I won't go out with them and all that stuff. I do not lead people on. I'm a very honest person, sometimes painfully honest, and that's what I want from the other person. If you can't keep up, then walk away.

I love my life and what it all includes, don't get me wrong, but I do miss certain things. I was asked to hang out this weekend, but I had to decline unfortunately. This is my last weekend to get things packed and cleaned up. If I didn't have the kids around, I could do alot of stuff during the day, but that still leaves me with them at night. I can't go downtown with kids or anything like that. I'm not saying I regret having kids, but it's nice to have some away time everyone in a while. In a week, I won't even have my bed all to myself. I'm just so exhausted with everything going on, and I'm trying my best to keep up. That leads back to having someone around for me. It would be nice to have someone around to help me out, or just be here. It would probably make things more fun. I don't know.

I'm going to stop rambling and get off here. I have a kid to fight to get to sleep. YAY!

xoxoxo!

Birthdays

I think I'm done with birthdays. Today was my last one. I'm sick of it raining every year. Last night I went out and had a great time. I hung out wit 2 friends (coworkers), my sister, her friends, and my mom for a little bit. Although I had a blast with all of them, it made me wish that I had friends like my sister. They hang out, expect nothing out of each other (they're guys & girls) and basically, they're all just really cool. And then, there was me.. a 27 year old hanging out with 24 +/- year olds. No, it's not that much of an age difference, but still. I felt like a tag along, no matter how nice they were to me.
I really have no friends I hang out with. Yes, I trust my coworkers, and I see them every day, but it's not outside of work. They have no kids, so they go out all the time. I'm more of a home body, and I think that's one of the reasons I don't have friends. I don't know. It just sucks b/c I can't do anything about it. And if that's the reason, so be it. I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't get out much, and when I do, I just don't feel completely "satisfied" with it.
I'm glad alot of people remembered my birthday, and I appreciate it. But there's one person that I would've appreciated a text message, maybe even hung out with for a little bit today. But all I got was a good morning text. I don't even think he remembered. No, we're not in a relationship, but I do like it. No, I'm not getting in a relationship anytime soon, but still. He's a cool person to talk to and hang out with. He has some things going on, which is probably why I didn't get that text, but it still kind of hurt my feelings. I have this wall I put up around me, so I try not to get too close to anyone, and sometimes it hurts no one but myself. Sometimes, I can be so stupid though. It's not that hard to show someone some kind of interest in them, but for me I guess it is.
I guess I just have some issues to work through and maybe one day, I can find someone that will help me out with that.
Anyhow, tomorrow's a new day and maybe it will get better. I'm going to bed.
Nite xoxoxo

Today

Today, I'm giving Terry a chance to visit with Jaydon. I sent him a text on Wednesday to let him know that I'm taking the boys to Mcdonald's to play & eat, and that if he would like to visit, he can come up there. I let him know the time we would get there and which one. Will he remember without me reminding him? We will see.
On another note, I've been hanging out with this guy. We are just friends though, and that's all it will be for a while, atleast until I get everything in my life straightened out. I think it will be totally different to start things out just as friends and then work our way out to more. I've known him since I was 14-15 years old, we've lost touch plenty of times, but something keeps us in touch. He's an awesome person, with a great personality. But we will take things REAL slow. We had a talk last night, and we both see the positives that would come out of it, no negatives.
All my life, I've rushed into relationships with guys, and it never works out. From now on, it will be different, for me & the kids.
Anyhow, I have to get ready to go to McDonald's and see what happens.

Feeling like complete shit.

**Warning**

This blog will more than likely contain tons of cuss words. If you're not ready for it, move on.

**Warning**

Men are so stupid. I'm sorry, but they are, ok... Most are. They want to act all perfect around you, then go behind your back and fuck you over completely. They want their "cake" and "eat" it too. Then, when they get busted, they want to get all pissed off, and get all abusive. I don't give a flying shit if you were in the fucking marines or not. You do NOT put your hands on me b/c YOU did something stupid and got caught. THEN your stupid ass is going to break into MY house? And steal MY shit? That's fucked up. You steal what's pretty much the MOST important materialistic possession to me; my camera and think nothing of it. I don't give a shit about my carpet cleaner, or the change buckets, or the comforter, or the dollar coins I was saving for the kids. I want my fucking camera back. And now I have nothing to record the days with my kids. You fucking piece of shit. Karma is going to bite you in the mother fucking ass b/c of the shit you have pulled in the past 3 days. Trust me, I will make sure of that.

Yay! & Boo!

First off, I have to brag.. I've had my house up for sale for about 2 months. I got a message from my real estate agent yesteray around noon saying that the last agent to show my house will be making an offer. I am super excited about it! I'm sad b/c I worked hard to get it, but this is what needs to be done. It's better than me just losing it and it going on my credit. Once it closes, which I'm hoping to stay in the house til the end of May, we will be moving to Olive Branch/Southaven. Andy will start a new school, and Jaydon will have a new babysitter/day care. It will be a new start for all of us.
Jaydon's surgery is one week from tomorrow. I'm really nervous about it, but I know everything will be fine. The surgery itself won't take long at all, maybe about an hour. We should be out of the hospital by noon, I'm thinking. Andy is on Spring Break that week, which will make everything so much easier. I won't have to get Jaydon out of bed to take Andy to school or anything. We can all just be lazy around the house and do nothing.

Ok, this part is just venting. I'm not talking about anyone in particular, just yapping. And of course, it's about men. When guys are in a relationship, why can't they just do right? I don't understand. They are all nice and everything in your face, then turn around and text/message someone on myspace flirting. I'm sorry, but guys... If you don't know, it's still cheating. If you want to flirt, do it with your girlfriend. Regardless if you flirt online, in text, or in email, it's still not right. What if the other person starts taking it too far? What will you do then? Think about it. You stupid boys need to start thinking.. Would you like it if your girlfriend did the same thing?
Yea, that's what I think I'm going to start doing. I think I will send someone a message on myspace, and say "ya know? hot guys with tons of tattoos are hot" and see where that could lead! And the sad part is, you boys think you will get away with it. That's the funny part about it. It's called a woman's intuition. And it's usually right. Just FYI, something to think about, especially if you use your gf's computer.. She just MIGHT have a program on her computer that can tell her EVERYTHING you're doing on it, including conversations and whatnot... I don't know.... Just something to think about though.
I think, no matter how well you treat someone, they will do whatever they want anyhow. Sometimes, I may not be the best gf, friend, ect., but I am loyal. As long as you do me right, I will do you right. If I see you doing stuff behind my back, I may just start doing the same thing. I can be the best thing that happened to you, but if you double cross me, you're gone.. And you will realize what you left behind.
From now on, my mouth will stay shut. But, I'm just saying right now.. I'm getting to the point, where I don't care anymore. I have to do what's right for me & my kids. If I don't see that you are good for us, then so be it.

Might want to know?

Wednesday, I took Jaydon to the urologist. On March 18, he will have surgery. He has Hydrocele, which is fluid around his testicle. Apparently, some boys are born with it. When they are in the womb, their testicles are in their abdomen, and around 22 weeks, they drop (obviously). Well, sometimes the fluid stays around the testicle, and is absorbed by the body by their 1st birthday. In Jaydon's case, his body didn't absorb the fluids for whatever reason may be, I'm not sure. So they have to drain it. If they don't, it could turn into a hernia or that testicle won't work. Anyhow, it's a minor surgery and won't take long. The surgery itself will take about an hour, then 30 minutes for him to wake up. Shortly after, he can go home. He will be back to his normal self within 2 days, but will have to be watched for 2 weeks.
Although Terry hasn't seen Jaydon in almost 3 months, I figured that Terry had a right to know, since he is Jaydon's dad. So I called and spoke to him yesterday morning. I explained to him what was going on and when the surgery was. He then asked me if he could come get Jaydon this weekend. What?! I told him he could come visit, but he couldn't leave with him. He then got so mad, and didn't understand. I had to explain that Jaydon had to be reintroduced to him b/c he hasn't even talked to him. He's almost 2, 3 months is like forever with a baby! I let Terry know he could come see Jaydon whenever he wanted, but he hasn't even tried. Terry said he doesn't want to come over and a "dude" is there. Well I'm sorry, but if I have a friend over, he can get over it. I doubt Terry will even show up anyhow! Then he proceeded to tell me that we need to get lawyers b/c he wants to see his son. LOL Hey, I'm all up for that. I've been waiting on Juvenile Court to set a date since we broke up! I've called every week to check on that. So yeah, he thinks that I'm trying to keep Jaydon away from him and all that.. Blah blah blah, whatever! He told me he would call that night to talk to Jaydon, but did he? No, not even a text. But hey, I can't expect anything less from him.
Anyhow, it's a good thing that I've kept records on when he has called, talked to Jaydon, seen Jaydon, ect. It's whatever..
Needless to say, it is such a disappointment to find out how he really is. When we were together, his world revolved around Jaydon and his daughter. His true colors are now shining through. The thing he doesn't realize, is the only person this will really effect, is Jaydon. But Jaydon will be fine. He will pull through perfectly.

Stress

So this weekend has been pretty stressful. I sometimes feel the saying "when it rains it pours" is true. Especially now.
Saturday, I took Jaydon to the dr because one of his testicles were bigger than the other (bigger than normal). The dr said that he had hydrocele, which I didn't really understand what it was. I went home and googled it and understood better. So, it's basically fluid around the testicle. Maybe every 10 baby boys have it when they're born, but it fixes itself within the first year. Well, Jaydon hasn't had this since he was born (that we know of). We just noticed it a few weeks ago. Anyhow, surgery is a possibility. I set up an appt on Wednesday with the urologist. We will see what the options are then. But from what I've seen online, they do surgery on toddlers to make sure it doesn't return.

Sunday, I found out that my grandmother isn't able to walk anymore. She's been up and down the past few months and has done great. I know that she's getting older and everyone's time will come, but I'm just not ready for hers. I really should start going to see her more often. For some reason, I think I'm more upset for my mom. When my grandmother passes, I really do believe that my mom's side of the family will split and do their own things. There won't be as many get-togethers as there is now. My grandmother keeps everyone together and close. Once she's gone, who's left to do that?

This morning, around 4am, I woke up to horrible pains in my neck. It started from between my shoulder blades and went up my neck. I would try to go back to sleep, but the sharp pains would shoot up my neck over and over again. I finally decided to go ahead and get up. I figured a hot shower would help. Getting out of bed was pretty hard. It took me 15-20 minutes because it hurt so bad. Once I got in the shower, it didn't help at all. I couldn't put my arms above my head, and I couldn't even lean my head back to wash my hair. I had to actually take the pain, and hold my head back so that I wouldn't use my neck muscles. It took me forever to actually dry my hair because I couldn't put it up in the towel and I couldn't even towel dry it. It was a pain just brushing it. I took some medicine around 5:30 and told myself that if it didn't help, I would go to the minor med. It did start working, but I'm still hurting right now. I'll live, but how long could this possibly go on?

Anyhow, today is Robert's birthday.. soooo.....

Happy Birthday!!

Juvenile Court

Ok, I don't know what the deal is with this place, but they are ridiculous! Terry and I had a child support prehearing on 12/12, which he didn't show up for. Atleast every week, I have called to see if a court date has been scheduled. Of course, every time, the answer is always no.. They are the ones that pursued this, they wanted to make us go. And now that I'm going, and it has actually gotten the process started, they want to take their stupid time. I'm so sick of it, but what else can I do? I have to deal with hounding Terry EVERY weekend for a check for the babysitter. I have texted him every day this week about a check, and he has yet to answer. Can we say worthless?! I could care less if you have a new family or not, you need to take care of the son you already have instead of taking care of one that's NOT yours! Anywho.. Here I am, sitting on hold (have been on hold for 15 min) with Juvenile Court to see if a date is set. I'm definitely going to ask if they note whenever I call. I want that known that I have called every week! So anyways, here's to you Juvenile court.. you stupid p.o.s!

New relationship... New life

Wow... I really don't know where to start.. I've started dating this guy, Robert. I've been dating him for almost 3 weeks now. Where do start with him? He's really great. He has a blast with the kids, and the kids have a blast with him. He is super sweet to me, which I'm not used to at all. I know it's still the "impress me" stage of the relationship, but no one else was like this. I'm actually happy right now. It's very different having someone around that actually wants to go do things with the kids, wants to go outside and play with them, or lets them play in the leaves. Anything that gets the kids involved, Robert does. Its the small things that count. It just makes me happy to see them having a good time with someone. Spending time with Robert just blows me out of the water sometimes. We could be doing nothing but watching TV and I'm happy. Why? B/c I'm used to everyone usually being in seperate rooms. The kids have really warmed up to him nicely. Let's just hope nothing happens!

For the past 2.5 years, I've been just "dealing" with Terry b/c we had Jaydon. I'm not used to anything Robert does, b/c mainly, Terry never did it. Terry never showed any kind of affection towards me, never complimented me, nothing.

Anyhow, the other day, Robert and Andy were playing in the living room. Robert came in where I was and this is how he looked.. He took a bunch of Andy's stuff and put it on. How goofy is he? This is what I put up with... No complaints here!

Office Drama

Ok, I seriously hate working in an office sometimes, especially a small one. Rumors get started so easily, and somehow I get dragged into it. I really don't care about someone cheating on their boyfriend. I mean, it's wrong, but it's not my business. Here's what happened...
This morning, I got a print out of an email on my desk. No names were mentioned in it, so whatever. Comes to find out, some guy at work was going around telling people in the office that this girl is cheating on her boyfriend. Why it's any of his business? Who cares. Anyhow.. I get dragged into it. How? Only b/c I used to go to lunch with this guy. Just b/c I go to lunch with someone, doesn't mean I'm part of gossip central! I swear.. I got confronted about the crap just a little while ago, and I'm STILL irritated about it.
I refuse to get fired or get into any trouble about this mess. It has nothing to do with me. I don't care about anyone's personal life but MINE.
If I have to stop talking to everyone all together, I'm going to, unless needed. I don't need this crap. I'm going to put a note on the back of my chair that says "this is a drama free work zone. Move along"!!

Why wonder?

I sit here, and read my dad's blog, and wonder why men are the way they are. But at the same time, there's no need to wonder. Here's why
Andy's dad.. He hasn't been around in over 5 years. He has 4 other kids and doesn't really care about his oldest child. I tried to be reasonable with him, but it didn't work. Andy asked about him last year. He actually thought his dad was dad. He remembered nothing about him, or his half-brother or sisters. His dad doesn't even call to see how Andy is. And the bad part is, is that his dad lives in Memphis, actually IN Bartlett!
Jaydon's dad.. Wow.. What can I say about him? We were together for 2.5 years. He acted like Jaydon was his world. Nothing could seperate them! When I decided to leave Terry, it all turned around. I left him on December 5. The whole time, he was thinking I would keep Jaydon away from him. He had talked about it and he had started feeling better. I took Jaydon to where he was staying the Friday after Christmas. They played for a bit, and that was it. He called a few times, but that was it. I called his dad to see if he wanted Jaydon to come over on New Years, "OF COURSE!". Of course, the day came, and Jaydon was a little bit sick, but Terry didn't care. As I left, Jaydon cried, and that's all I could hear until I got to the van. I felt bad for the kid, but I "knew" that's what Terry wanted, and Jaydon needed, so I kept going. Needless to say, when I came to pick Jaydon up, Terry said he stood at the door the whole time waiting for me to come back. And, that was the last time Jaydon saw his daddy. I haven't even heard a "how is he?" or "what can he do now?" anymore.
Can you imagine your son walking around "talking" on the phone to his daddy when no one is on the other line? Everytime someone calls, he says "dada". It's pretty sad. Not only does Andy not have a father, but now, I have 2 children that are in the same situation.
Here's my input on this. I don't know why Andy's dad did the way he did and I really don't care.
But I really feel that Terry puts on a show. He makes it look like his world revolves around Jaydon... but that's only if he has help. When we were together, I had to deal with the fit-throwing, and screaming and yelling. Yes, it drove me nuts all the time (still does), but I had to do it. It's part of my job, correct? Well, it should also be part of the father's job too, but I never said anything. Once we broke up, he then realized, that he would have to do it all by himself. There was no one to deal with it for him.
There are good outcomes with will come out of this. MY children will learn how they should NEVER act. They will know how NOT to treat other females, nor their own children. When you have responsibilities like that, you don't just run away. You have to deal with it.
I will definitely raise my kids to be the total opposite of their sperm donors, b/c let's face it. That's all those "men" are.